Strike A Pose
A great first tee pose is an important psychological weapon. It's the war hammer of fear that can drop your opponents to their knees in submission before the battle even begins. Being able to properly execute these maneuvers can be as advantageous as a sandy 18 handicap.
Begin with the basics. Once you have them mastered, ease yourself into the advanced poses. Trying to move up the ranks too quickly has broken the spirit of many a young warrior.
Tripod
The essential pose. Place your left hand on your left hip, or if you're feeling sassy, with your thumb tucked into your front left pants pocket instead. Position the club in your right hand, butt end in your palm, clubhead on the ground. Lean to the right and support your weight with the club. Cross your right foot in front of your left, toe pointing downward. Finally, turn your head to the left. (This provides the best silhouette, should passers-by happen to notice you fom afar.)
You've now got three points of contact with terra firma, like a plug in a socket; drawing power, gaining strength, yet grounded. No one will beat you today.
Modification: Once you're on the green and tending the pin, the same position can be assumed using the flagstick. However, grip it with your hand at shoulder height, approximately one third from the top - as if you're hunting bullfrongs with a spear.
Caution: Don't lean too heavily on a driver or 3-wood on wet grass. The club might slip out from beneath you, which would completely ruin the image you're striving to achieve. Don't lean too heavily on your club or the flagstick on a green, either. The pressure can cause damage to the green.
Young Guns
This slightly more difficult pose is an important part of high-level gaming and psychological warfare - another lethal weapon to add to your arsenal, like the bayonet at the end of your Tripod-musket.
Start with your feet slightly wider than your shoulders. Next, position the clubhead on the ground in the middle of your stance with both hands resting on the butt end, arms extended but not locked. Finally, and this is important, lift your chest and chin, spine straight, and squint your eyes as if scouring the horizon for your next victim. Purse your lips to create extra effect. You'll look cold - hardened - out for blood.
Modification: One-Armed Young Guns. While doing Young Guns, remove either arm from the club, look down at your shoes and rub the sweat off the back of your neck while vigorously flexing your bicep (and listening for your opponents to crumble under the presure.)
Caution: If you don't have a respectable bicep to flex, One-Armed Your Guns can have a reverse effect.
Sniper
This, the first of the truly 'advanced' poses, puts your opponents on notice that they're dealing with a lethal weapon.
Tuck the clubhead underneath your right armpit, as if it's the stock of a rifle, and bend your right elbow to grab the club shaft. Then, hold the grip end of the club with your left hand, as if you're holding the barrel.
Exude confidence, as if you sleep with your club every night, and have possibly named it, something manly - yet sentimental, like Rose...
Think Kurt Russel in Tombstone, "You gonna pull that smokewagon, or just stand there and bleed?"
Modification: Point the grip-end of the club at your opponents and make gunfire noises (just not while they're swinging).
Bouncer
This advanced pose is most easily used by our, shall we say, 'larger' brethren. It's not that a little guy can't pull this one off, it's more that he shouldn't. This pose tells your playing partners that in the high-end nightclub of life, this guy's about to toss you to the curb. Maybe you didn't even grope a waitress, he just doesn't like your face.
Cross your arms in front of your chest with the shaft of your golf club cradled in your left armpit. Now tilt your head back and tuck your chin inward to make your neck as thick as possible - or ideally - disappear all together.
To really get into the proper mindset, go watch Roadhouse eight times.
Modification: With your hands underneath your biceps, use the back of your knuckles to make it look like your arms are masssive and muscular.
Slugger
Imagine you're in the on-deck circle, veins coursing with Human Growth Hormone and skin glistening with a fresh coat of flaxseed oil. A barely suppressed 'roid rage adds a glint of madness to your eye. You deserve every penny of the ridiculous salary you're being paid. You're going to knock this one out of the park, win the game, and go home with your opponent's girlfriend, too.
Hold the grip-end of the club with both hands, baseball bat style, and rest the club shaft on your shoulder.
Modification: Take a knee and then do the same thing.
The Crumbler: Call your shot. Point off in the distance like The Babe in Game 3 of the 1932 World Series. Don't say a word. Just point - and watch your enemies hopes crumble like the 13th empty can of Keystone Light.
Caution: If you're going to pull the Crumbler out of your bag, you'd better get your ball in roughly the vicinity of where you point. Pointing 38 yards down the fairway and in the rough, behind the tree, doesn't count either...
Billy the Kid
We all know Billy the Kid. Squint to the eyes from his days in the sun. A hitch in his step from hours on horseback. An air of lunacy from weeks alone in the desert. What most people don't know is that Billy the Kid had a fantastic swing, and was a 2 handicap. He once beat Butch Cassidy in a hotly contested match at the Deadwood Open by sinking a 45 foot snake on the 18th hole. Then they went and ransacked and pillaged a small village. Those were the good old days.
To make your opponents feel like a small village, loosen your belt a notch or two, then run the clubshaft down your leg on the outside of your shorts or pants until the clubhead rests on your belt. That's the holster, sheathing your weapon of mass destruction. Now, just simply let your right hand dangle, as if you're an old west gunslinger getting ready for a showdown.
Wiggle your fingers like gunfighters do in the movies. Your opponents had better be ready, because your aim is to kill. No one gets out alive today.